Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater

This weekend I played in GP DC. As my team dwindled down the ranks, I couldn't help but notice one team climbing.

If you don't know who Alex Bertoncini is, that's okay. That was once me too. I remember the first time I met Alex. Four years ago (2014), I was at a random SCG in Ohio and wasn't doing well in the tournament. I decided to go out to the bar with three people who seemed to know me, even though I didn't know them. Among them was Alex. I found him to be super nice and personable. We kept in contact for a few months following the tournament. Around this same time, I moved to Las Vegas to be with my then-boyfriend. When he discovered I was talking to Alex, he becomes agitated, told me he was cheater, and that I should stop talking to him. I have never liked people telling me what to do; that fact paired with Alex's charisma made it hard for me to believe him a cheater. Alex gushed charm. He's hard to dislike. If I thought he was a cheater, I would have no longer liked him. I pressed on.

Shortly after, I was talking to another friend of mine who said I didn't have to take anyone's word that Alex was a cheater- I could see for myself. He linked the article he wrote. I saw a critique of this article saying we are taking one person's word over another's. In that article is the infamous "two Explores." Other links no longer exist, but I have dug up the Kira cheat video. After Drew's article, Alex was banned until 2017. After his ban was lifted he immediately cheated (here is a video detailing this). That was his third ban. Now he is back on the scene and from what I have witnessed, cheating again. **Editor note: I could spend all day posting the videos of his prior cheats. You can Google them and get many results. If you have never heard of Alex, I encourage you to do so.**
In the last round of the GP, I happened to be watching a match that was close enough to Alex's match that I could see the entire match. I didn't intend to watch his match, but when I looked over to see how it was going, I could not help but notice how Alex was shuffling his cards. Most of us learn early in Magic, either from an opponent telling us or intuition, not to look at your deck when you're shuffling. I watched closely as Alex would lift his cards and almost fluidly peek and look away from the cards he was bridging. While doing this, he would joke, talk to his teammates, and pause shuffling anytime his opponent would watch. I wanted to be sure before I called, I judge. I observed the behavior 4/6 times. I was sure and had a judge observe. He started shuffling...once- he didn't do it, twice- he didn't do it. I started to get nervous the judge would see, but time three (and the last time before he presented), he glanced at his deck again. I whispered to the judge, "that's the behavior I observed." What happened next is truly unbelievable. His opponent did not cut his deck! Alex played one drop, two drop, three drop. Sure people can curve out, but his three drop happened to be Goblin Chainwhirler, a fairly unbeatable card on turn 3. They go to game three, and I happen to notice a judge watching Alex shuffle. **Note: Some arguments "pro-Alex" I have gotten is how closely judges watch him, but until I called a judge no one was even close to observing his match.**

By this time, a friend had joined me, and I explained to him the behavior I exhibited in game two. He watched and saw the same behavior, and I thought the judge watching could as well. At this point, another judge had passed by me, and I commented again. He must have taken the accusation more seriously because he quickly got the head judge for me to tell my story to. Before leaving, the judge asked a question that I think is a very important point to this whole story. He asked, "Why don't you think his opponents noticed?" Team tournaments are a cheaters paradise. Your opponents are distracted. They are either talking to their teammates or trying to see what is going on in their match. I explained to the head judge when the shuffle cheating happened, his opponent was covering his mouth (and therefore his face and eyes) with his hands, so Alex's team could not see what he was saying. As I said, I only saw the behavior 4/6 and then 1/3 times. When Alex's opponent was paying attention, Alex was mindful of shuffling correctly. The HJ took note and walked away to speak with the other judges. I went back to watching Alex shuffle. Without fail, he looks while shuffling. The judges were still watching. I thought we had him.

After game three, the HJ pulled him aside, and they started discussing. They spoke for about ten minutes, then Alex came back. Nothing happened. If this were anybody else, I could understand the judges giving him the benefit of the doubt, but this is seasoned cheater Alex Bertoncini. Think about how many game rules violations he has used his charisma to sweet talk his way out of. He has been caught cheating three times and banned, but he has cheated many more times.

In closing, I have two messages, one to the judges and one to the players. To the judges I spoke with at GP DC and observed this behavior: please reconsider what decision was made. A cheater that is caught cheating, but not punished is only encouraged to cheat again. Judges who will be at tournaments he will be at in the future: have one person dedicated to watch Alex. That might seem costly and ineffective, but it is not as costly as the blind robbery that is taking place otherwise. Players: if you are paired against Alex and there is not already a judge present, call a judge at the start of the match. Request they stay from start to finish. As a player, it is hard to watch your opponent every second of every round, and if you give Alex even a second, he will cheat you.

In the future, maybe WOTC will consider a lifetime ban for multiple-time offenders, but as of now, this cheater will constantly play among us. We have to be diligent. Share your stories, whether they are big or they are small. Don't brush them off. Don't let the time he fumbled his cards at an FNM slide; it matters. It all matters.

This Was Me Then...And Now

Preface

I started writing this blog post-October 28th, 2016. Some parts I have gotten better at. Other parts not so much. Today (11/30/2017) I am editing and expanding this post. I hope the year plus gap doesn't make the most disjointed.

For the past month or so I've been reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. While I find some parts of the book to be common knowledge or not applicable to me, I find other parts to be extremely profound and thought provoking. This is about one of those parts.

How Should You Define Values

Mark spends a long time discussing values. What good values look like, what bad values look like, and the negative affects of having bad values. He uses a good analogy explaining how the lead singer of Megadeth was kicked out of Metallica right before they hit it big, so no matter how famous Megadeth gets Dave Mustaine feels like a failure. (To read the full story as told by Mark). Dave has bad values.

Good values are

1) reality-based

2) socially constructive

3) immediate and controllable

Bad values are

1) superstitious

2) socially destructive

3) not immediate or controllable.

What's Wrong With Me

I don't think anyone has ALL bad values or ALL good values. Most people, like me, have a mix of the two. Figuring out what my "good" values were was easy. I value- honesty, loyalty, **humility and selflessness. These values are fairly normal and not something I think most would disagree with. How about my bad values? Much like your brain's inability to remember a song title you would otherwise know, but can't think of because you happen to be trying to remember it- I was stumped. Even further into the book I was still blind to it. It wasn't until the next day (10/28) when I was walking from the train to work that I realized how I am awful.

I had a pretty fun night last night (10/27). I hung out with friends, played some Magic Pictonary, and even saw Sharknado III (the only Sharknado I've seen). It is not what I had planned to do, but it was a blast! So maybe you can understand my confusion when I was asked, "Are you upset?" I was very taken aback. Why would I be upset? I just had a great night! I inquired. "Because we didn't get to do what you said you wanted to do earlier in the day." I went on to explain how I was not upset and how I thought asking me that question was absurd, but the next day after some reflection- maybe it wasn't.

By far my worst value is my need to be in control (Ironically the book defines bad values in part by things you care about that are beyond your control, so my bad value is basically the mother of all bad values). I need to have things my way or done the way I think they should be done. If something does not go according to plan I freak out, and if you aren't on board with my master plan I will cut out you out of my life. I really wish I were being hyperbolic here, but sadly I don't think I am.

A History

I used to be really good at getting my way or at least offsetting the sting from being told no. You know how people with divorced parents (or parents that didn't communicate well) used to ask their dad for something and when their dad said no ask their mom? Well, my mom and dad are together and communicate, but in high school when I used to have multiple boyfriends- they never did. You don't wanna take me to this movie I wanna see? Fine. I'll ask someone else. You aren't going to buy me this? Someone else well. I spent a vast portion of my teenage life finding someone to tell me, yes, so I wouldn't have to deal with being told no. In fact, it wasn't just boyfriends. I think my need to have my way is why I don't have that many close friends. If you wanted the pleasure of hanging out with me, it better be doing a pre-approve Mary activity (I am pretty fun to be around as long as we are doing what I want). If you want to do something else, I'll find someone else to grace with my presence.

I didn't like that person.

Have I Changed?

Note: Everything written prior to this point (with the exception of some edits and the definition of values) was written last year

Since writing this post I have both pushed people away and tried to push people away for their behavior is less than my ideal. I certainly am not as bad as I was in high school, but I haven't been very good about it either. It really wasn't until about two months ago that there were any signs of change.

I love my boyfriend, but not just as my boyfriend; I genuinely love him. About three months ago after the honeymoon phase had ended and the infatuation faded problems started arising. One of our biggest problems was me. It started to become clear to me the biggest thing causing a rift in our relationship was me trying to force him to behave how I thought he should. It's not like something like this hasn't happened before; however, my normal response tends to be "You can either get with the program or leave. I don't care" This time I did care. I found myself in the same spot I was on October 28th, 2016- evaluating what my true (good)values are and what I hold onto that isn't really important (bad values). On the other side what I found was losing someone who holds the same good values as you aren't worth needing to have my life go according to my plan, so I'm trying to let go.

I think I'm better. Maybe I'm not (ask him not me). I know there are still times when I get upset that I shouldn't, but growth is a process. And even if this relationship doesn't work out I'm going to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life.

Footnotes:

**These traits were not in the draft I wrote last year, but rather traits I have discovered I value a lot in both myself and other over the past year. Thanks Mark!

The Second to Last Time I Commit Social Suicide: My Response to The Open Letter

My twitter this morning was flooded with players from across the community urging me to read this open letter : An Open Letter From Members Of The Professional Magic Scene To The Magic Community At Large. One tweet even read "please read, this is in important". My response? No, I won't.

...But Why?

Don't get me wrong- it's good people are finally taking a much needed stand on bullying and toxicity in the community. I think writing one open letter and showing a unified front is a way of saying we, the community, will not stand for this type of harassment. I am glad people are using their position of power or rather prominence to bring attention to an issue that has been plaguing the community for ages...but this brings me to my first point.

Why not sooner? Last year (or so) multiple females wrote about being harassed in the Magic community. I feel that was a pretty good time to take a stand. This issue (harassment of female Magic players) was just gaining traction. It was at the point before everything came to a head, but was just starting to come to light. It was the exact moment when we (the community) needed a group of high level, visible pros to say "Hey! This behavior is not okay". If I recall, there were some re/tweets here or there, but nothing like the open letter we see today. An opportunity to take a stance at the forefront and not slap together a reactionary post was missed. I find it very hard to clap my hands and applaud for the people who have known about the harassment for years, and using the ease of a high profile case to get behind the cause

I Don't Believe You

I know first hand just how prominent bullying and harassment is in the Magic community, so as a victim I agree this behavior is unacceptable. You would think I would be overjoyed to see such a uniform attack on toxicity in the community, but I'm not. I find this response well timed and veiled in hypocrisy. There are very few members of the Magic Community, including its pros, who have not been party to bullying or harassment. Especially if you consider being party to as sitting idle and watching others. For many of the signers here are my words to you- You want to make a stance now on bullying? Issue a public statement addressing past behaviors that were and still are unacceptable, say you will be better moving forward, and urge the rest of the community to follow suit.  Real change takes vulnerability. Real supports of the cause should admit to past wrong doing. I want to believe the signers have changed, they want to be better, and they are committed to being the change we need to see in the community, but it is difficult to believe when I'm not sure you can even see the wrongs in your past.**

But I Want To

If you want to lead the community to be better than LEAD. Writing/signing this letter is not enough. I do not believe things will be better, but I want to. As I said earlier, it is easy enough to jump on the bandwagon of this high profile case and lend your signature in a time when it will look good. Hold yourself to a high standard. Hold those around you to a high standard...including your friends. You see someone bullying someone else, or even more relevant, you overhear someone spreading gossip about someone else stop them. Show support to those who feel bullied or harassed by the community, and don't just do it behind close doors- LEAD. There are many social justice warriors when the timing is right, but very few who stick around after the fanfare has passed. Don't just be the person who signed their name to a document like signing a petition on change.org- Be who you say you are going to be.

Footnote/Aside

We all know I am guilty of both harassment and being harassed, gossiping, being a "mean girl" of Magic. I understand just because people are mean to you doesn't mean you should be mean to them (in theory still working on it in practice). I guess what I'm trying to say is- if you have ever felt personal victimized by Regina George, I'm sorry. I can be a better person, I can not attack people when I feel attacked, and I can learn to say things less brash. We should all take this as an opportunity to be better to one another.

**A Twitter follower of mine linked me to Gerry T's SCG article of a few weeks back. This is exactly the type of behavior and vulnerability I am talking about. A lot of my blog post is about people not doing enough. As a stark contrast, I'd like to applaud Gerry. Keep wearing your stains on the outside.

Run Away From the Pain: How Running How Helped Me Deal With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Someone told me not too long ago they were worried I had an eating disorder. For many reasons that I will soon detail I was insulted. When I asked why they said I run obsessively and watch what I ate. It is true; I try to eat healthy, but running...running is what keeps me from having an eating disorder. As many people who have had eating disorders in the past know the best way to recover is to find something that makes you feel good about your body image. Running does that for me, but this blog post isn't about running. I, like many other women like me, have body dysmorphic disorder. To sum up what that means for me without reading the link is I can see a picture of myself and think I look thin in the picture, but if I look at myself in the mirror I think I look fat. Nothing has changed from picture to mirror just the way I see myself. I will make up reasons for why the picture makes me look thin and never think it is because I am actually thin.

I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was 18. My college boyfriend told me I look pregnant in the dress I was wearing. Up until that point I had been very confident in my body. I guess as I'm writing this that is the first time I lost confidence/self-esteem because of a boy. Every guy I had dated before would tell me how "hot" I was, mainly how amazing my body was. I never had any reason to think otherwise- until then. The rest of my freshman year I remember watching what I ate trying to keep it around 500 calories per day, and going to the gym to run as many miles as I could. Sometimes I would go to the gym multiple times a day. I lost 20 pounds that semester.

That summer I went home to live with my parents again. Oddly, my dad was the first and only person to notice I had weight issue. I think it was because he was a wrestler in high school. He would see my weight myself every morning and every night and worry about me. He told me a story of one of his wrestling buddies who passed out from only drinking orange juice to cut weight. It was sweet of him. Not very effective, but sweet.

I remember the second time I thought I was fat. I was pretty small at this point. Close to the size I am now, wait I have a picture.

I was seeing this guy. He was nice. He was really nice. See my other boyfriend, he wasn't so nice. We had a bad relationship and I think in my head I could credit some of the things he said about my body to him just being mean. But not this guy. I opened up to him just a little with a qualifier to soften what I was saying. "I feel like I look fat in this shirt". Then I went on to say I love my legs (through the whole last semester I held on to a love of my legs even though I hated the rest of my body). He told me he didn't think I was fat, but that moment of security was fleeting. He then pinched my fat off my leg and told me they could be in better shape. The one thing I still liked about my body destroyed in an instant. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. Why was I proud of something that was disgusting? Outwardly I tried to handle it well, but I remember feeling so small. You can't do that to any part of my legs anymore. There is not a part of my legs you can pinch fat off of anymore. I know because I check. As fucked up as saying I looked pregnant was, this incident messed me up way more than that ever did.

I can't tell you the first time I thought I looked thin- in real life at least. That's because it hasn't happened yet. For ten years now I have struggle with my body image. There have been times where it is worst and I starve myself until I'm under a certain weight, when I will only eat liquids, or stay under a certain calorie count. But that's not me today. That's not where I am anymore. To answer your questions from months ago- I had an eating disorder, I have body issue, and I found something that makes me feel good about myself. It's been a long time since anything has made me feel good about my body. Running does that for me.

If anyone out there is reading this with similar struggles- I hope you find your thing.

The Faithless

With everyone talking about petitions to have electors vote against their state's decision I decide to look up the facts/chances of that happening. Here are my take a ways and the article (which is great) I read:

(1.)

When a member of the Electoral College votes against what their state decides they are called a Faithless Elector- a fun fact I probably learned when I was about 13 and have long since forgotten. Now that we got the terminology out of the way let's dive into facts.

(2.)

Faithless Electors have never changed the outcome of the election. However, the most interesting case was in 1836 when all electors from Virginia abstained from voting, leaving neither candidate with the majority. In this case, the Senate votes for who should be president. Their abstaining meant little as Johnson was still elected,but the camaraderie is admirable.

(3.)

As you may have noticed from point #2, abstaining or defecting as a group was much more common when the nation was still young. It seems singleton votes are more likely now.

(4.)

The singleton votes are more likely (in modern presidency) to go to 3rd party nominees. in 1968, George Wallace of the American Independence Party received a total of 46 electoral votes. The largest number of votes a third party member has ever received (second of course, is the famous Strom Thurmond receiving 3% of the popular vote and 39 electoral votes when the Democratic Party split into States Rights Party and refused to vote for Harry Truman.

If anything happened this election it would be both historic and monumental. As nothing happened in the 2000 election where Gore won the populist vote by a greater margin than Clinton won here (apx. 500,000 and 400,000 respectively). One could also say if singleton voters are most likely (#4), it seems impossible to make up a 50+ electoral vote deficit. I suspect nothing will happen here. I'm really not trying to make a political statement either. Just sharing some fun facts I stumbled onto while researching this petition. In actuality, I suggest reading the article I linked and letting me know what your takeaways are. Happy Friday everyone!

My Limit Does Not Exist

This morning I read an article by Mark Manson on my commute to work- "The Guide to Strong Boundaries". Excellent "15 minutes read". If you have 15 minutes before you read my blog post, you should go read his. After reading, I had two resounding questions/comments/concerns to ponder on my train ride.

Point one- I have no boundaries. Actually, none at all. I think it stems from a strong desire to be liked by other people and general low self-esteem. Now in the article, Mark explains that having no boundaries actually makes you less attractive. Really that should be obvious (have you ever seen a cute doormat?). I don't value myself or my self-worth, so I don't create boundaries. I'm scared if I create boundaries, I will lose people in my life. So, much like a Hungry Hungry Hippo I need to collect all the things, or rather all the people to feel good. If one person doesn't like me (even if I don't like them), I agonize over the why. In actuality, if I valued myself and what I brought to the table, I'd be able to say, "They don't like me? Fuck 'em. Their loss", but actually mean it.

By about this time, I'm having a super cathartic moment, and I'm ready to set up boundaries. Come on, Mark! I'm ready for a guide! Wait...what? You don't give me one?!? You just tell me I should set up boundaries, but don't tell me how? I have already said I have NOOOOOOO boundaries. I don't even have a starting point to springboard off of. There is nothing; just chaos (and certainly no boundaries). Well, shit. It looks like it's up to me to make my own guide. Here's what I came up with:

If I Say "No" The World Will Not End!

This might seem like an obvious statement, but I honestly live my life like a giant comet will collide with the Earth's surface if I put the "N" and the "O" together in one word. I complain and complain about feeling like people take advantage of me and using my emotions against me for their own gain. However, what do I do about it? Nothing.

You should be able to tell your friends no without worrying that they won't like you anymore. If people get mad at you or won't talk to you after you tell them no, they were probably shitty manipulators you didn't want in your life anyway. As a person, I want to make everyone happy and puts others' happiness ahead of mine. I can understand this concept, but acting on it seems near impossible. I'm terrified of telling someone no will make them not want to be part of my life anymore. Perhaps, it's because I think that's the only way I can get people to like me, or maybe it's because I think my friendships are so fragile "no" will be the last (and only) straw. Either way, I don't tell people no, but I should. Let me just say this one more time, so it might stick, I can tell people no. If they don't want to be my friend anymore because of it, they were never my friend, to begin with.

Do Things Out of Want Not Obligation

I oddly feel obligated to anyone I have ever made eye contact with. Your sister's boyfriend's best friend that you've never met before? Yup, obligated. The man in the mall kiosk trying to sell you essence oils? Yup. Him too! In fact, the number of nail kits, microwavable heating pads, and cellphone cases I have bought because someone made eye contact with me is absurd. I feel obligated to be nice and listen to the spiel, then I feel obligated to buy because I wasted their time (yes, it was their time I wasted X_X). This, however, is a corner case that does not affect my life often.

If anyone asks me a question, I feel obligated to answer. If I feel uncomfortable answering it or I don't really like/know the person and don't think it is their business, I answer the question anyway. Substitute favor (with a few minor corrections), and that sentence will hold true. The only reason I will not do something is if I have a real reason not to. I can't lie, I won't make up an excuse. It's like I'm cursed by a witch who makes me do everything in my power to make someone else happy. I HAVE to do something because someone asked me to. The truth is I don't have to do anything. Again, the chance this sticks with me because I said it once is extremely low, so let's do it one more time. The only person I am obligated to myself, and I should only do things I am comfortable doing and actually want to do.

It's a strange thing how at this point in my life I'm not sure what I do because I want to do it and what I do because I feel I have to. I can't differentiate the two. I genuinely like making other people happy. The problem is I will bend over backward for anyone and everyone who asks. It makes me going out of my way for the people I care about seem less special and possible to make them feel less special to me in the process. If I go out of my way for someone I deeply care about and making them happy brings me joy, I think it's still okay to do that. Where I get into trouble is when I go out of my way for someone whose happiness means very little to me, and I am miserable the whole time I am doing this favor. Again, I am not obligated to do everyone favors, but I can choose to do favors for the people I truly care about.

I think anything else that comes up can be tied into one of these two things. If I'm a good person, I can just be a good person, and I don't need to show the world how good of a person I am.

If you don't like me, fine, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make someone like me... at least not anymore (maybe, we can hope :D).

Hi, I'm Mary.

"Is your boyfriend the one who got you into Magic?"

At every GP or large event I play, I hear that question at least once throughout the day.

Two days ago, I played in a PPTQ and put up this status: Just walked into a new card shop alone for the first time ever. This is terrifying. I already have anxiety about meeting new people and now I'm surrounded by them. I may sit here looking tough like I don't wanna talk to anyone, but that a because I'm too scared to move. I see why I haven't gone to a card shop since I was in college now. After posting the status and subsequently posting about how much I hated being asked that question, I was told, "I don't know you but you have pretty girl syndrome." He then told me most of my problems in the Magic community stem from that. Now that I have calmed down and gathered my thoughts in a more collected manner, I get that he simply did not understand my qualms. So in a hopefully coherent manner, I will lay it out.

As a male member of the Magic community, it may be difficult to understand or relate to the plight female members undergo. What may be seen or witnessed at your local shop does not make it the rule for all shops. To that point, I would also like to say that if you have never seen a problem, perhaps it is because you are avoiding seeing one. Nonetheless, I don’t want to come off as bitter. The other day a wonderful blog was posted by a fellow Ohio female Magic player (Go Buckeyes!), about how hard it is once you've dated a Magic player to be labeled as anything other than a Magic player's girlfriend/potential girlfriend/ex girlfriend etc. Basically, you can be whatever you want to be, as long as girlfriend is still in the title. At both local and competitive levels, I have dated my fair share of Magic players, but I’m not just “their girlfriend”. I feel by dating these locally or altogether well-known Magic players I lost my identity.

I sit down across from an unknown opponent, but before we can even talk, play, or shuffle I am told I look familiar. Before I started dating Tom, when I was dating AJ Sacher. It was my first time experiencing this. I would excitedly list the GP's I'd gone to recently (really ever at that time) or offer that I used to stream so perhaps they'd watched it. Usually at the word stream, a light bulb would go off and they would say, "Oh, you're AJ's girlfriend." My excitement vanished as that's all I became. For a while after AJ and I broke up, it would still happen. I would still get excited and hope they saw me playing in a GP, but it was never that.

Tom Martell is even more well known. Hell, he even has a Wikipedia page (see link). When I sit across from an opponent and they say they recognize me, I no longer bother listing other possible places they may know me from. I'm Tom Martell's girlfriend, and at a tournament, I cease to be anything else. I just want to be me, and I feel like ever since I started going to big events, I've been associated with one male Magic player or another. That isn't my story.

To answer your question: NO, my boyfriend did not get me into Magic.

SIDE RANT: Why does it have to be a boyfriend/ex boyfriend who gets a girl into Magic? Can't she find the game on her own and enjoy playing? Why is there this male association with her being in the community? Wouldn't the better question be how did you start playing? Isn't that what you would ask any male player you sat across from? Why am I any different?!?

So back to the question… I have an older brother who I was very close to growing up because we are 17 months apart. I guess you could say I was a tomboy. I played video games and hung out with the boys, which lead to my love of Pokemon. After a few years of playing the Gameboy game and watching the TV show, the trading card game came out. I wasn't just going to collect the cards and trade them... It was a game, and I was ready to learn how to play. When I was in 4th grade, my mom would shuttle us to our not-so-local card shop every Saturday to play matches in the hopes of earning gym badges. While we were playing Pokemon, the older kids were playing Magic. In 6th grade, I was walking to school and saw some Magic cards from Apocalypse and Mirage (actual card I found) on the ground and quickly swooped them up. My brother and I quickly set out to learn how to play. He was decent and did well in some local tournaments while I was beyond casual. My deck was the definition of kitchen table Magic. It was at least 100 cards: mono white angels with every Circle of Protection ever printed in the sideboard and a Golden Wish to get them. I was very bad, but I had a lot of fun.

Just before high school, I quit Magic. Almost a decade later, when I was in college, a friend of mine texted me, "busy this Friday. Have a Magic tournament to play in...if you know what that is". Boy, did I ever! My ears perked up, and I insisted he take me with him. I've been playing again ever since.

The joy I got from going to the card shop with him has since vanished, as going has now turned into more of a chore than an enjoyment. I play Magic to have fun, compete, feel connected to a community... but it's hard to feel any of those things when I feel lost in the definitions others have created for me. I no longer mention tournaments I’ve been to recently; I just say who I’m dating. I don’t define myself.

I'm not a girl who plays Magic or a girlfriend of a Magic player. I am a Magic player. I hope one day to feel that is not just how I see myself, but how everyone else does too.