This morning I read an article by Mark Manson on my commute to work- "The Guide to Strong Boundaries". Excellent "15 minutes read". If you have 15 minutes before you read my blog post, you should go read his. After reading, I had two resounding questions/comments/concerns to ponder on my train ride.
Point one- I have no boundaries. Actually, none at all. I think it stems from a strong desire to be liked by other people and general low self-esteem. Now in the article, Mark explains that having no boundaries actually makes you less attractive. Really that should be obvious (have you ever seen a cute doormat?). I don't value myself or my self-worth, so I don't create boundaries. I'm scared if I create boundaries, I will lose people in my life. So, much like a Hungry Hungry Hippo I need to collect all the things, or rather all the people to feel good. If one person doesn't like me (even if I don't like them), I agonize over the why. In actuality, if I valued myself and what I brought to the table, I'd be able to say, "They don't like me? Fuck 'em. Their loss", but actually mean it.
By about this time, I'm having a super cathartic moment, and I'm ready to set up boundaries. Come on, Mark! I'm ready for a guide! Wait...what? You don't give me one?!? You just tell me I should set up boundaries, but don't tell me how? I have already said I have NOOOOOOO boundaries. I don't even have a starting point to springboard off of. There is nothing; just chaos (and certainly no boundaries). Well, shit. It looks like it's up to me to make my own guide. Here's what I came up with:
This might seem like an obvious statement, but I honestly live my life like a giant comet will collide with the Earth's surface if I put the "N" and the "O" together in one word. I complain and complain about feeling like people take advantage of me and using my emotions against me for their own gain. However, what do I do about it? Nothing.
You should be able to tell your friends no without worrying that they won't like you anymore. If people get mad at you or won't talk to you after you tell them no, they were probably shitty manipulators you didn't want in your life anyway. As a person, I want to make everyone happy and puts others' happiness ahead of mine. I can understand this concept, but acting on it seems near impossible. I'm terrified of telling someone no will make them not want to be part of my life anymore. Perhaps, it's because I think that's the only way I can get people to like me, or maybe it's because I think my friendships are so fragile "no" will be the last (and only) straw. Either way, I don't tell people no, but I should. Let me just say this one more time, so it might stick, I can tell people no. If they don't want to be my friend anymore because of it, they were never my friend, to begin with.
I oddly feel obligated to anyone I have ever made eye contact with. Your sister's boyfriend's best friend that you've never met before? Yup, obligated. The man in the mall kiosk trying to sell you essence oils? Yup. Him too! In fact, the number of nail kits, microwavable heating pads, and cellphone cases I have bought because someone made eye contact with me is absurd. I feel obligated to be nice and listen to the spiel, then I feel obligated to buy because I wasted their time (yes, it was their time I wasted X_X). This, however, is a corner case that does not affect my life often.
If anyone asks me a question, I feel obligated to answer. If I feel uncomfortable answering it or I don't really like/know the person and don't think it is their business, I answer the question anyway. Substitute favor (with a few minor corrections), and that sentence will hold true. The only reason I will not do something is if I have a real reason not to. I can't lie, I won't make up an excuse. It's like I'm cursed by a witch who makes me do everything in my power to make someone else happy. I HAVE to do something because someone asked me to. The truth is I don't have to do anything. Again, the chance this sticks with me because I said it once is extremely low, so let's do it one more time. The only person I am obligated to myself, and I should only do things I am comfortable doing and actually want to do.
It's a strange thing how at this point in my life I'm not sure what I do because I want to do it and what I do because I feel I have to. I can't differentiate the two. I genuinely like making other people happy. The problem is I will bend over backward for anyone and everyone who asks. It makes me going out of my way for the people I care about seem less special and possible to make them feel less special to me in the process. If I go out of my way for someone I deeply care about and making them happy brings me joy, I think it's still okay to do that. Where I get into trouble is when I go out of my way for someone whose happiness means very little to me, and I am miserable the whole time I am doing this favor. Again, I am not obligated to do everyone favors, but I can choose to do favors for the people I truly care about.
I think anything else that comes up can be tied into one of these two things. If I'm a good person, I can just be a good person, and I don't need to show the world how good of a person I am.
If you don't like me, fine, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make someone like me... at least not anymore (maybe, we can hope :D).
