This Was Me Then...And Now

Preface

I started writing this blog post-October 28th, 2016. Some parts I have gotten better at. Other parts not so much. Today (11/30/2017) I am editing and expanding this post. I hope the year plus gap doesn't make the most disjointed.

For the past month or so I've been reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. While I find some parts of the book to be common knowledge or not applicable to me, I find other parts to be extremely profound and thought provoking. This is about one of those parts.

How Should You Define Values

Mark spends a long time discussing values. What good values look like, what bad values look like, and the negative affects of having bad values. He uses a good analogy explaining how the lead singer of Megadeth was kicked out of Metallica right before they hit it big, so no matter how famous Megadeth gets Dave Mustaine feels like a failure. (To read the full story as told by Mark). Dave has bad values.

Good values are

1) reality-based

2) socially constructive

3) immediate and controllable

Bad values are

1) superstitious

2) socially destructive

3) not immediate or controllable.

What's Wrong With Me

I don't think anyone has ALL bad values or ALL good values. Most people, like me, have a mix of the two. Figuring out what my "good" values were was easy. I value- honesty, loyalty, **humility and selflessness. These values are fairly normal and not something I think most would disagree with. How about my bad values? Much like your brain's inability to remember a song title you would otherwise know, but can't think of because you happen to be trying to remember it- I was stumped. Even further into the book I was still blind to it. It wasn't until the next day (10/28) when I was walking from the train to work that I realized how I am awful.

I had a pretty fun night last night (10/27). I hung out with friends, played some Magic Pictonary, and even saw Sharknado III (the only Sharknado I've seen). It is not what I had planned to do, but it was a blast! So maybe you can understand my confusion when I was asked, "Are you upset?" I was very taken aback. Why would I be upset? I just had a great night! I inquired. "Because we didn't get to do what you said you wanted to do earlier in the day." I went on to explain how I was not upset and how I thought asking me that question was absurd, but the next day after some reflection- maybe it wasn't.

By far my worst value is my need to be in control (Ironically the book defines bad values in part by things you care about that are beyond your control, so my bad value is basically the mother of all bad values). I need to have things my way or done the way I think they should be done. If something does not go according to plan I freak out, and if you aren't on board with my master plan I will cut out you out of my life. I really wish I were being hyperbolic here, but sadly I don't think I am.

A History

I used to be really good at getting my way or at least offsetting the sting from being told no. You know how people with divorced parents (or parents that didn't communicate well) used to ask their dad for something and when their dad said no ask their mom? Well, my mom and dad are together and communicate, but in high school when I used to have multiple boyfriends- they never did. You don't wanna take me to this movie I wanna see? Fine. I'll ask someone else. You aren't going to buy me this? Someone else well. I spent a vast portion of my teenage life finding someone to tell me, yes, so I wouldn't have to deal with being told no. In fact, it wasn't just boyfriends. I think my need to have my way is why I don't have that many close friends. If you wanted the pleasure of hanging out with me, it better be doing a pre-approve Mary activity (I am pretty fun to be around as long as we are doing what I want). If you want to do something else, I'll find someone else to grace with my presence.

I didn't like that person.

Have I Changed?

Note: Everything written prior to this point (with the exception of some edits and the definition of values) was written last year

Since writing this post I have both pushed people away and tried to push people away for their behavior is less than my ideal. I certainly am not as bad as I was in high school, but I haven't been very good about it either. It really wasn't until about two months ago that there were any signs of change.

I love my boyfriend, but not just as my boyfriend; I genuinely love him. About three months ago after the honeymoon phase had ended and the infatuation faded problems started arising. One of our biggest problems was me. It started to become clear to me the biggest thing causing a rift in our relationship was me trying to force him to behave how I thought he should. It's not like something like this hasn't happened before; however, my normal response tends to be "You can either get with the program or leave. I don't care" This time I did care. I found myself in the same spot I was on October 28th, 2016- evaluating what my true (good)values are and what I hold onto that isn't really important (bad values). On the other side what I found was losing someone who holds the same good values as you aren't worth needing to have my life go according to my plan, so I'm trying to let go.

I think I'm better. Maybe I'm not (ask him not me). I know there are still times when I get upset that I shouldn't, but growth is a process. And even if this relationship doesn't work out I'm going to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life.

Footnotes:

**These traits were not in the draft I wrote last year, but rather traits I have discovered I value a lot in both myself and other over the past year. Thanks Mark!

The Second to Last Time I Commit Social Suicide: My Response to The Open Letter

My twitter this morning was flooded with players from across the community urging me to read this open letter : An Open Letter From Members Of The Professional Magic Scene To The Magic Community At Large. One tweet even read "please read, this is in important". My response? No, I won't.

...But Why?

Don't get me wrong- it's good people are finally taking a much needed stand on bullying and toxicity in the community. I think writing one open letter and showing a unified front is a way of saying we, the community, will not stand for this type of harassment. I am glad people are using their position of power or rather prominence to bring attention to an issue that has been plaguing the community for ages...but this brings me to my first point.

Why not sooner? Last year (or so) multiple females wrote about being harassed in the Magic community. I feel that was a pretty good time to take a stand. This issue (harassment of female Magic players) was just gaining traction. It was at the point before everything came to a head, but was just starting to come to light. It was the exact moment when we (the community) needed a group of high level, visible pros to say "Hey! This behavior is not okay". If I recall, there were some re/tweets here or there, but nothing like the open letter we see today. An opportunity to take a stance at the forefront and not slap together a reactionary post was missed. I find it very hard to clap my hands and applaud for the people who have known about the harassment for years, and using the ease of a high profile case to get behind the cause

I Don't Believe You

I know first hand just how prominent bullying and harassment is in the Magic community, so as a victim I agree this behavior is unacceptable. You would think I would be overjoyed to see such a uniform attack on toxicity in the community, but I'm not. I find this response well timed and veiled in hypocrisy. There are very few members of the Magic Community, including its pros, who have not been party to bullying or harassment. Especially if you consider being party to as sitting idle and watching others. For many of the signers here are my words to you- You want to make a stance now on bullying? Issue a public statement addressing past behaviors that were and still are unacceptable, say you will be better moving forward, and urge the rest of the community to follow suit.  Real change takes vulnerability. Real supports of the cause should admit to past wrong doing. I want to believe the signers have changed, they want to be better, and they are committed to being the change we need to see in the community, but it is difficult to believe when I'm not sure you can even see the wrongs in your past.**

But I Want To

If you want to lead the community to be better than LEAD. Writing/signing this letter is not enough. I do not believe things will be better, but I want to. As I said earlier, it is easy enough to jump on the bandwagon of this high profile case and lend your signature in a time when it will look good. Hold yourself to a high standard. Hold those around you to a high standard...including your friends. You see someone bullying someone else, or even more relevant, you overhear someone spreading gossip about someone else stop them. Show support to those who feel bullied or harassed by the community, and don't just do it behind close doors- LEAD. There are many social justice warriors when the timing is right, but very few who stick around after the fanfare has passed. Don't just be the person who signed their name to a document like signing a petition on change.org- Be who you say you are going to be.

Footnote/Aside

We all know I am guilty of both harassment and being harassed, gossiping, being a "mean girl" of Magic. I understand just because people are mean to you doesn't mean you should be mean to them (in theory still working on it in practice). I guess what I'm trying to say is- if you have ever felt personal victimized by Regina George, I'm sorry. I can be a better person, I can not attack people when I feel attacked, and I can learn to say things less brash. We should all take this as an opportunity to be better to one another.

**A Twitter follower of mine linked me to Gerry T's SCG article of a few weeks back. This is exactly the type of behavior and vulnerability I am talking about. A lot of my blog post is about people not doing enough. As a stark contrast, I'd like to applaud Gerry. Keep wearing your stains on the outside.

Run Away From the Pain: How Running How Helped Me Deal With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Someone told me not too long ago they were worried I had an eating disorder. For many reasons that I will soon detail I was insulted. When I asked why they said I run obsessively and watch what I ate. It is true; I try to eat healthy, but running...running is what keeps me from having an eating disorder. As many people who have had eating disorders in the past know the best way to recover is to find something that makes you feel good about your body image. Running does that for me, but this blog post isn't about running. I, like many other women like me, have body dysmorphic disorder. To sum up what that means for me without reading the link is I can see a picture of myself and think I look thin in the picture, but if I look at myself in the mirror I think I look fat. Nothing has changed from picture to mirror just the way I see myself. I will make up reasons for why the picture makes me look thin and never think it is because I am actually thin.

I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was 18. My college boyfriend told me I look pregnant in the dress I was wearing. Up until that point I had been very confident in my body. I guess as I'm writing this that is the first time I lost confidence/self-esteem because of a boy. Every guy I had dated before would tell me how "hot" I was, mainly how amazing my body was. I never had any reason to think otherwise- until then. The rest of my freshman year I remember watching what I ate trying to keep it around 500 calories per day, and going to the gym to run as many miles as I could. Sometimes I would go to the gym multiple times a day. I lost 20 pounds that semester.

That summer I went home to live with my parents again. Oddly, my dad was the first and only person to notice I had weight issue. I think it was because he was a wrestler in high school. He would see my weight myself every morning and every night and worry about me. He told me a story of one of his wrestling buddies who passed out from only drinking orange juice to cut weight. It was sweet of him. Not very effective, but sweet.

I remember the second time I thought I was fat. I was pretty small at this point. Close to the size I am now, wait I have a picture.

I was seeing this guy. He was nice. He was really nice. See my other boyfriend, he wasn't so nice. We had a bad relationship and I think in my head I could credit some of the things he said about my body to him just being mean. But not this guy. I opened up to him just a little with a qualifier to soften what I was saying. "I feel like I look fat in this shirt". Then I went on to say I love my legs (through the whole last semester I held on to a love of my legs even though I hated the rest of my body). He told me he didn't think I was fat, but that moment of security was fleeting. He then pinched my fat off my leg and told me they could be in better shape. The one thing I still liked about my body destroyed in an instant. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. Why was I proud of something that was disgusting? Outwardly I tried to handle it well, but I remember feeling so small. You can't do that to any part of my legs anymore. There is not a part of my legs you can pinch fat off of anymore. I know because I check. As fucked up as saying I looked pregnant was, this incident messed me up way more than that ever did.

I can't tell you the first time I thought I looked thin- in real life at least. That's because it hasn't happened yet. For ten years now I have struggle with my body image. There have been times where it is worst and I starve myself until I'm under a certain weight, when I will only eat liquids, or stay under a certain calorie count. But that's not me today. That's not where I am anymore. To answer your questions from months ago- I had an eating disorder, I have body issue, and I found something that makes me feel good about myself. It's been a long time since anything has made me feel good about my body. Running does that for me.

If anyone out there is reading this with similar struggles- I hope you find your thing.