TW/CW: Dispelling The Myth: If I Said No, It Never Would Have Happened

I woke up this morning feeling inspired by the tweet below. In particular, the first line grabbed my attention"not everyone who has been sexually assaulted immediately recognizes that is what happened to them"

The only way to normalize people speaking out about sexual assault, even years after they have occurred is to talk about them, so for the first time, basically ever, I'm going to talk about my rape.

Six years ago, I was raped. It has taken me so long to talk about it because, like the tweet infers, it took me five years to realize I was raped. I sent those first five years blaming myself. Blaming myself because I got too drunk, because I fell asleep in his bed, for not saying no. All the reason society tells victims it is their fault for being raped , I blamed myself for it happening. It took me years of rape culture changing for me to realize what happened to me was, in fact, rape.

I was out drinking with a few of my friends and some of their friends. We were at a karaoke bar. For those of you who don't know me well, karaoke is my favorite thing in the world, so I was going to stay there until bar close. After being fed shot after shot all night, only he and I were left in the bar. When we went to leave, he asked me where I was heading. The place I was staying at the time was across town, and his apartment was nearby. Mind you, this wasn't a random stranger. This was an acquaintance. Someone I had met a few times in passing but didn't know very well. I also knew he had a girlfriend, so when he offered to let me crash at his place for the night, I accepted.

As I mentioned, I had been drinking copious amounts all night. Needless to say, at this point, I am fairly out of it. I don't remember if he said I could have the bed to myself and out of guilt I declined or if he offered me the couch, but said I was welcome to sleep in the bed as well and I accepted, but either way, we both ended up in his bed. What I do remember so vividly is waking up (after I was sound asleep) to him naked on top of me, lubing his dick, and getting ready to put it in (sans condom mind you). I froze. I felt weird being in his bed. I felt weird that he was already "ready to go." So, I froze there, not moving, waiting for it to be over. Afterward, I rolled over and went to sleep and left as soon as the sun came up.

I spent years blaming myself for it happening. "I should have said no. If I said no, it never would have happened."In fact, I spent the first year or so after trying to convince myself it was something I wanted to happen. Convincing myself, it was something I also wanted was seemingly easier than dealing with the fact I had been violated.

After it takes you five years to realize you've been raped, who cares anymore. Why even say anything at this point? If it takes you days, weeks, or years to come to terms with your sexual assault, you should feel empowered to say something and speak your truth. So here goes nothing...

Fuck you Dan Burdick. You raped me. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes.

One Woman's Journey in Magic

I've gotten a lot of shit from people that I'm too upset, too outraged, or being too harsh towards men in the Magic community at large. In fact, I've lost a fair number of Twitter followers this weekend for what I can only assume is my outrage regarding the Reid Duke induction ceremony. If you're unaware, I'll keep this short. This weekend, Reid Duke broke his silence on Owen Tuternwald, as he thanked him in his Magic Hall of Fame acceptance speech. On the surface, this is just a friend thanking another friend for helping his professional and personal growth over the years. Granted, without Turtenwald, Duke would not be where he is today. However, thus far, Duke has not condemned Turtenwald for his actions. Seemingly, he remains an ally on the wrong side of the fence. Now, this could be a post about how Duke claimed to be an ally over two years ago, or how I called bullshit on them from the start. Instead, this is a post about one woman's journey through her Magic playing life. Hopefully, when I am done, you will understand how women have to put in twice the work for half the credit.

The Hook...

I remember the first time I ever saw a Magic card. I was 7 or 8, walking home from school, and I saw a Talruum Minotaur on the ground. Along the rest of my walk home from school, my brother and I picked up the various other Mirage cards that littered the ground. We had already been playing the Pokemon TCG, so we knew of Magic, but had never played. My brother learned how to play and then taught me. We were never serious, but it was always fun.

My First Gathering

Because my brother taught me to play at home, it wasn't until I was 12 that I went into an LGS for the first time.

In comparison to everyone else there, I was (1)extremelyyoung and (2) the only girl in sight. I had always been surrounded by boy cousins and my brother, so number two wasn't as difficult for me as it might be for others. However, how I was treated has remained in my mind.

At this shop, that was my LGS until I took a break from Magic in 2003, my nickname was always jailbait. To give you a grasp on that, in 2003, I was 14. Again, from the ages of 12-14, I was referred to as jailbait at my LGS. At the time, I was...I guess flattered. Looking back, it was extremely fucked up.

...Brings You Back

I think most people who have ever played Magic, will pick up cards here and there and play for fun. While I played a bit in the interim, the true moment I came back to the game was 2011.

I was dating someone who said he couldn't hang out on the weekend because he had "something nerdy to do." I asked what; he told me Magic, and the rest is history. I went with him to what would become my new LGS for the remainder of my time in college.

I was never treated like a person there. I was treated like an accessory to my boyfriend, an annoyance, an easy ***BYE***, but never a person.

Here are some examples of such treatment

• In a pre-release, I beat a now prevalent MTG judge (that I have to see at almost every event I attend). He went off and complained to my "group of friends" that he couldn't believe he lost to me. My deck was built terribly, and basically, I'm a shit player.
• I won a GPT. I made travel arrangements to go to that GP. One week before the tournament, my boyfriend and I were fighting, and a rider in the car (that very same judge) said he refused to be in a car that I was in. Even though I had arranged a ride weeks in advance, and I was first in the car, I was booted. I ended up getting a ride off Craigslist to this GP with a deaf stranger.
• I played a round against someone in a PTQ who told me his friends referred to me as a bye (why tell me that idk, but here we are)

These are events that stand out in my head from my LGS. They do not reflect the numerous times I have been asked if my boyfriend got me into Magic, had opponents play ALL THEIR CARDS facing me , or had an opponent be condescending to me during a match (like I can't possibly know what these cards do). I cannot begin to point out every time an event like these have happened. They are so frequent, I try to forget they happen. Just know they do, and they do A LOT.

Let's talk about the sex...ual harassment.

• Starting off this list with being treated like the only value I offer is being your girlfriend
• Objectified by a well-known MTG commentator: "she's got a butter face, but got an amazing rack."
• Objectified by a person who has t8'd a PT: "you're like built for sex- tiny and great tits."
• Other women I know of and myself, only having a hotel room at a GP under the context that we would reciprocate in sexual favors. (see Lindsey's blog post for similarities)
• Someone, who later went on to be hired at Wizards, had sex with me while I was blacked out. I guess we would call that rape.
• Other women and I being prey to a well-known Magic pro. Using his position of power in the Magic community to coerce women.

Aside: Owen's transgressions were made public in March of this year (2019). In December (2018) I had started to write a blog post with my experience titled: Owen Turtenwald is The Harvey Weinstein of Magic. I reached out to every woman I knew he had been inappropriate with, and all gave the same answer. No one wanted to speak to me, Owen had too much power. They were all worried their ability to play Magic would be compromised if they spoke out against him. Imo, to this day, not much has changed. Many victims remain silent, but that isn't what this post is about. Rather, I hope it gives you insight into the type of power position holds

This list, I could go on and on about. There's a survival behavior you learn to just blend in. If you act like one of the guys, then the guys don't pick on you as much. They just pick on other women. It's not okay, and it's not something I'm proud of, but this was me for a few years. When you're a fly on the wall, you hear the way women are objectified. Hell, you even get objectified to your face. It's a power dynamic used to make women uncomfortable playing the game unless they can be "one of the guys." I have hoped it's been better in recent years, but I honestly don't know.

Why I Care So Much

For 18 years, I have dealt with being marginalized by the community in silence. In the 18th year, I decided enough was enough and spoke out. This wasn't a one-time thing, a brash decision, or me getting upset over one issue. This was, however, the straw that broke the camel's back. Enough is enough. I've been silent for far too long, and it is time to speak out against the boys club mentality.

Maybe it's dumb, but I hope someday to have a daughter I can teach to play Magic. I don't want her to ever have to go through the bullshit I had to go through. I can't bear the thought of the younger generation of women going through the tribulations all for a game they love. It's a marvel I still play this game. I guess you could say- I love Magic. However, I don't love the patriarchy, the boys club, and I certainly don't love minorities (not just women) being marginalized.

In the last year, I've become loud and outspoken on women's rights. I don't accept silence as being an ally. I know there are many links. While some are in here for my amusement, many are to show I have been dedicated to this cause for a few years now. My previous approach did not work. Being quiet did not work. Here's hoping speaking out does.

People have said to me, "You've been playing Magic for so long how are you not better?" I can also tell when some people ask how long I've been playing, that's what they think even when they don't say it.

Truth is, ya I've been playing for 18 years. However, extremely on and off. Every time I get sucked back into Magic, something happens that makes me need to pull away. Last time, it was my rapist being hired at WOTC.

It's hard to just consistently play for 18 years with all the shit you have to take by just existing in a male-dominated space. Women that become "good" at the game work hard keep their heads down and ignore the bullshit to get there. Understanding their journey wasn't as easy as yours is half the battle. Trying to make their journey better is the second part.

I Hate Mirrors.

I try to champion a lot of things people, especially women, deal with like emotional and physical abuse and sexual harassment and assaults. The one thing I wish I could champion, that I could be strong enough to overcome myself is body image and expectations.

The Split Brain

Side One: The Emotional Brain

I hate the way I look. In particular, I hate my body. I think my arms are flabby, I think my stomach is fat. I think my boobs are too big, and I think my butt is too small. I would change everything about my body if I could. I work out almost every day, but no matter how much I workout; I feel like my body doesn't change. However, the instant I stopped working out, I can see my body getting even worse, so I keep at it.

I used to severely operate on negative calorie intake on the day as I discuss in my body dysmorphia post. I'm healthier than I was then. I certainly don't starve myself, but mentally, I'm not in a much better spot.

Edit: Upon lots of consideration I will add this image. It is from today after I finished working out. I hate this picture. I hate my body. I hate how fat I think my stomach looks in this picture.

Side Two: The Logical Brain

If I remove emotion and my personal perspective from the matter I understand people think I have a nice body. Sadly, in a weird way, being thin has grown to be something I feel like defines me. I feel like I need to stay thin or else I will lose part of my identity. It's kind of fucked-up. I don't think I have a nice body, but I understand other people think I have a nice body, so I don't want my body to change too much from the way it looks now. It's an insane thing.

The Dilemma

For several reasons I alluded to above I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about how I feel about my body. (1) They think I'm just doing it to fish for compliments because how could I hate my body so much (2) In my head, complaining about my body might make other people feel like (a) I think less of how they look (b) make them feel bad about how they look. In actuality, it isn't about other people. It's about how I feel in my body.

In a way, I do hope me talking about my body image issues can help other women struggling with this understand that it's something almost everyone deals with, even the people you wouldn't guess. Obviously, the way the world portrays women by holding them to an unrealistic body standard needs to change. However, until that does, I think the best thing we can do is talk about our struggles. Because in these struggles, you are not alone.

Never Ever Be The Same

I don't think you ever get over being in an abusive relationship. It affects how you see the world, how close you get to people, who you can love. I remember my first relationship post abuse. Things would trigger me to feel hurt or scared that I never thought would. A simple hand gesture would leave flinching in fear. Any outburst of anger makes me scared and anxious. It would create a fear that swells up inside me. I hate that feeling. I know I should have talked about this four years ago. Many people at that time and probably many people now will say "well, if she isn't talking about it, it must not have happened." Wrong. Love is complicated. Trying to explain why I didn't say anything before is complicated. To begin to explain let's go back to the beginning.

He Loves Me...Not

Looking at it now, the start of our relationship was a game. AJ would be very nice and make me feel good up until a point. That point would be when he decided to take something I had said and made me feel stupid, undeserving and wrong. I distinctly remember always feeling in the wrong. The first time I remember this happening we'd only been talking for a few weeks. I was still in the phase where I wanted to impress him. I was talking to him about the music he liked, and I brought up The Beatles. I knew he liked them and I wanted to talk about something we both liked. The only problem was I spelled it The Beetles. AJ instantly stopped responding to me- for hours. He didn't start talking to me again until I looked at the message, realized I spelled "Beatles" wrong and corrected it. He went on some rant about how dumb it is to mess up the spelling, and I said my phone auto corrected it, but that was a lie. I was too ashamed. I felt stupid. From that moment on, I have never spelled "Beatles" incorrectly.

Another example comes just weeks after that. Things were going well, and I decided to fly out to meet him. On the eve of my flight, I asked him if he was excited I was flying to see him. He said (and these words still ring in my head) "You are not the first girl to ever fly to see me and you won't be the last." I was, rightfully, upset. AJ let me know in no uncertain terms- if that was something that I was going to be upset about we weren't going to work. I did not want us not to work out, so I apologized. It was that same conversation where I told him I didn't want to have sex with him over this weekend. It did not make him happy that was something I would bring up. He thought setting boundaries was not a thing normal people did. But, I really liked him. I wanted things to work. I flew out anyway.

While I was there we almost had an amazing time together. One of the nights we went out with some friends. He started talking about another girl he had recently slept with, and how amazing her body was. Him saying that made me uncomfortable. I felt- insecure about my body, like just another notch in the bedpost, like I was disposable. I said it bothered me he was talking about her. AJ told me it shouldn't bother me, and to move on. When I got back from Las Vegas, it's one of the reasons he cited he had doubts about us. Things blew over, and we started to date.

For the first few months there were many small things like these here or there that he would do to make me feel ashamed — nothing big, nothing important, but certainly always my fault. This was the start of breaking me. (Here is just one of many articles on gaslighting)

The Monster Was Born

It is hard to explain exactly how I felt when we were together. Some of the things AJ called me were: stupid, whore, liar, slut, monster. Some of the things he made me believe: you will never amount to anything, rely on your looks as long as you can because once they are gone, you have nothing going for you, no one will ever love you. The last point I would like to underscore by, he never told me he loved me, and when we broke up he let me know that's because he never did.

AJ was a constantly wearing me down grinding my self-esteem away until there was none left. I deserved to be called those things. I was an awful person. I was lucky to have him because no one would ever love me. He never loved me, but I was lucky he hadn't decided to leave. I would have done anything to salvage that relationship. I thought it was the only chance at someone loving me I ever had.

The worst thing I suffered from this relationship was the emotional abuse. When people think about a significant other being abuse, they always think of the physical abuse, but for me, emotional abuse is way worse. Emotional abuse offers a fundamental understanding of how the next events unfolded. I was drunk. He wasn't. He accused me of cheating. I wasn't. We got into a yelling match. I would say that I usually didn't stand up to him. I guess it was because I was drunk, but this time I didn't care. All sorts of feelings flooded out of me into what could easily be the meanest thing I've ever said. I started yelling at him he was nothing without me, he had nothing without me- his place to live, the food he ate all paid for by me (yes, I paid for everything). I could tell he was angry, but I wasn't going to back down...not this time. I was on the landing of the stairs, and he ran up to me asking me to say it ones more time. He dared me. I did. He then grabbed me by my throat and held me against the wall. It was painful, but I could breathe. Tears were streaming down my face I looked him in the eyes and said: "Who are you?" He dropped me. Told me to leave him alone, but I couldn't. I felt so awful about what I had said. I felt like I needed to apologize. I needed him to forgive me. I begged him for forgiveness; pleaded with him, but he told me he didn't want to see me. But, I would not leave him alone.

The Murky Bits

Everything that happened next is such a blur. I think my brain has blacked some of it out. The next thing I remember I am on the floor. AJ is sitting on top of me, holding my wrists in his hands, and my lip is split open, bleeding. I instantly sent a picture of my lip to three people. One close friend,  Efro- as we both lived in at the time Vegas, and one person I thought would tell me what to do, but before I could start thinking about leaving the threats began. "Tell everyone the truth about what happened to you, or I'll leave you." The truth? What was the truth? The explanation AJ gave to me was I was thrashing about trying to escape him, and I hit myself. The truth I told these people, I blacked out, and I don't know what happened. I was going to stay with AJ, so I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. If anyone knew they might think less of me; they would think less of him. I didn't want either of those things to happen.

The Ending

It took a little over a month for AJ and me to break up. If I'm honest with you, the only reason we broke up is that he didn't want to be with me. When we broke up, he wouldn't stop threatening me. He warned me never to talk to anyone about him. "Everyone liked him, and no one liked me. The only reason anyone knew who I was, was because of him. If I talked about him, he would destroy me." Not only did he threaten to ruin my life, but he reminded me how much of an unlovable monster I was. "You are just a wannabe gamer who is mediocre at everything they do. Hope you stay attractive forever." Even without talking about it he preemptively tried to bury me. He messaged a few key figures in the Magic community a multi-page letter of my transgressions against him. Hoping if I spoke up, people would defend him (both Chris Mascioli and Drew Levin told me about the letter he has sent them).

This is why I didn't talk. After all, who was I? Even still who am I? Someone no one knows, no one cares about, and the backlash from me talking is a lot more dangerous to me than sitting down and shutting up.

The True Ending

We dated in 2014, and it is now 2018. Four years have gone by, so why now? In the age of #metoo movement, women should speak freely and tell their stories. Women should also be warned against falling victim to the same pied pipers of others before them.

I see AJ has taken to social media, championing women's right. Maybe to him, this is penance for his wrongdoings. I certainly believe people can change, and I know I have. But, I think change starts with admitting guilt and growing. He still plays the victim of our relationship and sees nothing wrong with what he did.

I still struggle with self-worth. I never think I'm good enough. I can't understand why anyone would want to be with me. I rarely feel safe opening up to people. There is a respectful way to handle conflict and to end relationships; threatening someone and insulting their self-worth is not it. I will carry the scars of this relationship my entire life. But, I learned a lot about myself from this relationship — the good and bad parts. I grow past it to be the person I am today — a person I'm proud to be.

Due to the large volume of questions, this post is about my relationship with AJ Sacher.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater

This weekend I played in GP DC. As my team dwindled down the ranks, I couldn't help but notice one team climbing.

If you don't know who Alex Bertoncini is, that's okay. That was once me too. I remember the first time I met Alex. Four years ago (2014), I was at a random SCG in Ohio and wasn't doing well in the tournament. I decided to go out to the bar with three people who seemed to know me, even though I didn't know them. Among them was Alex. I found him to be super nice and personable. We kept in contact for a few months following the tournament. Around this same time, I moved to Las Vegas to be with my then-boyfriend. When he discovered I was talking to Alex, he becomes agitated, told me he was cheater, and that I should stop talking to him. I have never liked people telling me what to do; that fact paired with Alex's charisma made it hard for me to believe him a cheater. Alex gushed charm. He's hard to dislike. If I thought he was a cheater, I would have no longer liked him. I pressed on.

Shortly after, I was talking to another friend of mine who said I didn't have to take anyone's word that Alex was a cheater- I could see for myself. He linked the article he wrote. I saw a critique of this article saying we are taking one person's word over another's. In that article is the infamous "two Explores." Other links no longer exist, but I have dug up the Kira cheat video. After Drew's article, Alex was banned until 2017. After his ban was lifted he immediately cheated (here is a video detailing this). That was his third ban. Now he is back on the scene and from what I have witnessed, cheating again. **Editor note: I could spend all day posting the videos of his prior cheats. You can Google them and get many results. If you have never heard of Alex, I encourage you to do so.**
In the last round of the GP, I happened to be watching a match that was close enough to Alex's match that I could see the entire match. I didn't intend to watch his match, but when I looked over to see how it was going, I could not help but notice how Alex was shuffling his cards. Most of us learn early in Magic, either from an opponent telling us or intuition, not to look at your deck when you're shuffling. I watched closely as Alex would lift his cards and almost fluidly peek and look away from the cards he was bridging. While doing this, he would joke, talk to his teammates, and pause shuffling anytime his opponent would watch. I wanted to be sure before I called, I judge. I observed the behavior 4/6 times. I was sure and had a judge observe. He started shuffling...once- he didn't do it, twice- he didn't do it. I started to get nervous the judge would see, but time three (and the last time before he presented), he glanced at his deck again. I whispered to the judge, "that's the behavior I observed." What happened next is truly unbelievable. His opponent did not cut his deck! Alex played one drop, two drop, three drop. Sure people can curve out, but his three drop happened to be Goblin Chainwhirler, a fairly unbeatable card on turn 3. They go to game three, and I happen to notice a judge watching Alex shuffle. **Note: Some arguments "pro-Alex" I have gotten is how closely judges watch him, but until I called a judge no one was even close to observing his match.**

By this time, a friend had joined me, and I explained to him the behavior I exhibited in game two. He watched and saw the same behavior, and I thought the judge watching could as well. At this point, another judge had passed by me, and I commented again. He must have taken the accusation more seriously because he quickly got the head judge for me to tell my story to. Before leaving, the judge asked a question that I think is a very important point to this whole story. He asked, "Why don't you think his opponents noticed?" Team tournaments are a cheaters paradise. Your opponents are distracted. They are either talking to their teammates or trying to see what is going on in their match. I explained to the head judge when the shuffle cheating happened, his opponent was covering his mouth (and therefore his face and eyes) with his hands, so Alex's team could not see what he was saying. As I said, I only saw the behavior 4/6 and then 1/3 times. When Alex's opponent was paying attention, Alex was mindful of shuffling correctly. The HJ took note and walked away to speak with the other judges. I went back to watching Alex shuffle. Without fail, he looks while shuffling. The judges were still watching. I thought we had him.

After game three, the HJ pulled him aside, and they started discussing. They spoke for about ten minutes, then Alex came back. Nothing happened. If this were anybody else, I could understand the judges giving him the benefit of the doubt, but this is seasoned cheater Alex Bertoncini. Think about how many game rules violations he has used his charisma to sweet talk his way out of. He has been caught cheating three times and banned, but he has cheated many more times.

In closing, I have two messages, one to the judges and one to the players. To the judges I spoke with at GP DC and observed this behavior: please reconsider what decision was made. A cheater that is caught cheating, but not punished is only encouraged to cheat again. Judges who will be at tournaments he will be at in the future: have one person dedicated to watch Alex. That might seem costly and ineffective, but it is not as costly as the blind robbery that is taking place otherwise. Players: if you are paired against Alex and there is not already a judge present, call a judge at the start of the match. Request they stay from start to finish. As a player, it is hard to watch your opponent every second of every round, and if you give Alex even a second, he will cheat you.

In the future, maybe WOTC will consider a lifetime ban for multiple-time offenders, but as of now, this cheater will constantly play among us. We have to be diligent. Share your stories, whether they are big or they are small. Don't brush them off. Don't let the time he fumbled his cards at an FNM slide; it matters. It all matters.

This Was Me Then...And Now

Preface

I started writing this blog post-October 28th, 2016. Some parts I have gotten better at. Other parts not so much. Today (11/30/2017) I am editing and expanding this post. I hope the year plus gap doesn't make the most disjointed.

For the past month or so I've been reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. While I find some parts of the book to be common knowledge or not applicable to me, I find other parts to be extremely profound and thought provoking. This is about one of those parts.

How Should You Define Values

Mark spends a long time discussing values. What good values look like, what bad values look like, and the negative affects of having bad values. He uses a good analogy explaining how the lead singer of Megadeth was kicked out of Metallica right before they hit it big, so no matter how famous Megadeth gets Dave Mustaine feels like a failure. (To read the full story as told by Mark). Dave has bad values.

Good values are

1) reality-based

2) socially constructive

3) immediate and controllable

Bad values are

1) superstitious

2) socially destructive

3) not immediate or controllable.

What's Wrong With Me

I don't think anyone has ALL bad values or ALL good values. Most people, like me, have a mix of the two. Figuring out what my "good" values were was easy. I value- honesty, loyalty, **humility and selflessness. These values are fairly normal and not something I think most would disagree with. How about my bad values? Much like your brain's inability to remember a song title you would otherwise know, but can't think of because you happen to be trying to remember it- I was stumped. Even further into the book I was still blind to it. It wasn't until the next day (10/28) when I was walking from the train to work that I realized how I am awful.

I had a pretty fun night last night (10/27). I hung out with friends, played some Magic Pictonary, and even saw Sharknado III (the only Sharknado I've seen). It is not what I had planned to do, but it was a blast! So maybe you can understand my confusion when I was asked, "Are you upset?" I was very taken aback. Why would I be upset? I just had a great night! I inquired. "Because we didn't get to do what you said you wanted to do earlier in the day." I went on to explain how I was not upset and how I thought asking me that question was absurd, but the next day after some reflection- maybe it wasn't.

By far my worst value is my need to be in control (Ironically the book defines bad values in part by things you care about that are beyond your control, so my bad value is basically the mother of all bad values). I need to have things my way or done the way I think they should be done. If something does not go according to plan I freak out, and if you aren't on board with my master plan I will cut out you out of my life. I really wish I were being hyperbolic here, but sadly I don't think I am.

A History

I used to be really good at getting my way or at least offsetting the sting from being told no. You know how people with divorced parents (or parents that didn't communicate well) used to ask their dad for something and when their dad said no ask their mom? Well, my mom and dad are together and communicate, but in high school when I used to have multiple boyfriends- they never did. You don't wanna take me to this movie I wanna see? Fine. I'll ask someone else. You aren't going to buy me this? Someone else well. I spent a vast portion of my teenage life finding someone to tell me, yes, so I wouldn't have to deal with being told no. In fact, it wasn't just boyfriends. I think my need to have my way is why I don't have that many close friends. If you wanted the pleasure of hanging out with me, it better be doing a pre-approve Mary activity (I am pretty fun to be around as long as we are doing what I want). If you want to do something else, I'll find someone else to grace with my presence.

I didn't like that person.

Have I Changed?

Note: Everything written prior to this point (with the exception of some edits and the definition of values) was written last year

Since writing this post I have both pushed people away and tried to push people away for their behavior is less than my ideal. I certainly am not as bad as I was in high school, but I haven't been very good about it either. It really wasn't until about two months ago that there were any signs of change.

I love my boyfriend, but not just as my boyfriend; I genuinely love him. About three months ago after the honeymoon phase had ended and the infatuation faded problems started arising. One of our biggest problems was me. It started to become clear to me the biggest thing causing a rift in our relationship was me trying to force him to behave how I thought he should. It's not like something like this hasn't happened before; however, my normal response tends to be "You can either get with the program or leave. I don't care" This time I did care. I found myself in the same spot I was on October 28th, 2016- evaluating what my true (good)values are and what I hold onto that isn't really important (bad values). On the other side what I found was losing someone who holds the same good values as you aren't worth needing to have my life go according to my plan, so I'm trying to let go.

I think I'm better. Maybe I'm not (ask him not me). I know there are still times when I get upset that I shouldn't, but growth is a process. And even if this relationship doesn't work out I'm going to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life.

Footnotes:

**These traits were not in the draft I wrote last year, but rather traits I have discovered I value a lot in both myself and other over the past year. Thanks Mark!

The Second to Last Time I Commit Social Suicide: My Response to The Open Letter

My twitter this morning was flooded with players from across the community urging me to read this open letter : An Open Letter From Members Of The Professional Magic Scene To The Magic Community At Large. One tweet even read "please read, this is in important". My response? No, I won't.

...But Why?

Don't get me wrong- it's good people are finally taking a much needed stand on bullying and toxicity in the community. I think writing one open letter and showing a unified front is a way of saying we, the community, will not stand for this type of harassment. I am glad people are using their position of power or rather prominence to bring attention to an issue that has been plaguing the community for ages...but this brings me to my first point.

Why not sooner? Last year (or so) multiple females wrote about being harassed in the Magic community. I feel that was a pretty good time to take a stand. This issue (harassment of female Magic players) was just gaining traction. It was at the point before everything came to a head, but was just starting to come to light. It was the exact moment when we (the community) needed a group of high level, visible pros to say "Hey! This behavior is not okay". If I recall, there were some re/tweets here or there, but nothing like the open letter we see today. An opportunity to take a stance at the forefront and not slap together a reactionary post was missed. I find it very hard to clap my hands and applaud for the people who have known about the harassment for years, and using the ease of a high profile case to get behind the cause

I Don't Believe You

I know first hand just how prominent bullying and harassment is in the Magic community, so as a victim I agree this behavior is unacceptable. You would think I would be overjoyed to see such a uniform attack on toxicity in the community, but I'm not. I find this response well timed and veiled in hypocrisy. There are very few members of the Magic Community, including its pros, who have not been party to bullying or harassment. Especially if you consider being party to as sitting idle and watching others. For many of the signers here are my words to you- You want to make a stance now on bullying? Issue a public statement addressing past behaviors that were and still are unacceptable, say you will be better moving forward, and urge the rest of the community to follow suit.  Real change takes vulnerability. Real supports of the cause should admit to past wrong doing. I want to believe the signers have changed, they want to be better, and they are committed to being the change we need to see in the community, but it is difficult to believe when I'm not sure you can even see the wrongs in your past.**

But I Want To

If you want to lead the community to be better than LEAD. Writing/signing this letter is not enough. I do not believe things will be better, but I want to. As I said earlier, it is easy enough to jump on the bandwagon of this high profile case and lend your signature in a time when it will look good. Hold yourself to a high standard. Hold those around you to a high standard...including your friends. You see someone bullying someone else, or even more relevant, you overhear someone spreading gossip about someone else stop them. Show support to those who feel bullied or harassed by the community, and don't just do it behind close doors- LEAD. There are many social justice warriors when the timing is right, but very few who stick around after the fanfare has passed. Don't just be the person who signed their name to a document like signing a petition on change.org- Be who you say you are going to be.

Footnote/Aside

We all know I am guilty of both harassment and being harassed, gossiping, being a "mean girl" of Magic. I understand just because people are mean to you doesn't mean you should be mean to them (in theory still working on it in practice). I guess what I'm trying to say is- if you have ever felt personal victimized by Regina George, I'm sorry. I can be a better person, I can not attack people when I feel attacked, and I can learn to say things less brash. We should all take this as an opportunity to be better to one another.

**A Twitter follower of mine linked me to Gerry T's SCG article of a few weeks back. This is exactly the type of behavior and vulnerability I am talking about. A lot of my blog post is about people not doing enough. As a stark contrast, I'd like to applaud Gerry. Keep wearing your stains on the outside.