I Hate Mirrors.

I try to champion a lot of things people, especially women, deal with like emotional and physical abuse and sexual harassment and assaults. The one thing I wish I could champion, that I could be strong enough to overcome myself is body image and expectations.

The Split Brain

Side One: The Emotional Brain

I hate the way I look. In particular, I hate my body. I think my arms are flabby, I think my stomach is fat. I think my boobs are too big, and I think my butt is too small. I would change everything about my body if I could. I work out almost every day, but no matter how much I workout; I feel like my body doesn't change. However, the instant I stopped working out, I can see my body getting even worse, so I keep at it.

I used to severely operate on negative calorie intake on the day as I discuss in my body dysmorphia post. I'm healthier than I was then. I certainly don't starve myself, but mentally, I'm not in a much better spot.

Edit: Upon lots of consideration I will add this image. It is from today after I finished working out. I hate this picture. I hate my body. I hate how fat I think my stomach looks in this picture.

Side Two: The Logical Brain

If I remove emotion and my personal perspective from the matter I understand people think I have a nice body. Sadly, in a weird way, being thin has grown to be something I feel like defines me. I feel like I need to stay thin or else I will lose part of my identity. It's kind of fucked-up. I don't think I have a nice body, but I understand other people think I have a nice body, so I don't want my body to change too much from the way it looks now. It's an insane thing.

The Dilemma

For several reasons I alluded to above I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about how I feel about my body. (1) They think I'm just doing it to fish for compliments because how could I hate my body so much (2) In my head, complaining about my body might make other people feel like (a) I think less of how they look (b) make them feel bad about how they look. In actuality, it isn't about other people. It's about how I feel in my body.

In a way, I do hope me talking about my body image issues can help other women struggling with this understand that it's something almost everyone deals with, even the people you wouldn't guess. Obviously, the way the world portrays women by holding them to an unrealistic body standard needs to change. However, until that does, I think the best thing we can do is talk about our struggles. Because in these struggles, you are not alone.

Run Away From the Pain: How Running How Helped Me Deal With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Someone told me not too long ago they were worried I had an eating disorder. For many reasons that I will soon detail I was insulted. When I asked why they said I run obsessively and watch what I ate. It is true; I try to eat healthy, but running...running is what keeps me from having an eating disorder. As many people who have had eating disorders in the past know the best way to recover is to find something that makes you feel good about your body image. Running does that for me, but this blog post isn't about running. I, like many other women like me, have body dysmorphic disorder. To sum up what that means for me without reading the link is I can see a picture of myself and think I look thin in the picture, but if I look at myself in the mirror I think I look fat. Nothing has changed from picture to mirror just the way I see myself. I will make up reasons for why the picture makes me look thin and never think it is because I am actually thin.

I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was 18. My college boyfriend told me I look pregnant in the dress I was wearing. Up until that point I had been very confident in my body. I guess as I'm writing this that is the first time I lost confidence/self-esteem because of a boy. Every guy I had dated before would tell me how "hot" I was, mainly how amazing my body was. I never had any reason to think otherwise- until then. The rest of my freshman year I remember watching what I ate trying to keep it around 500 calories per day, and going to the gym to run as many miles as I could. Sometimes I would go to the gym multiple times a day. I lost 20 pounds that semester.

That summer I went home to live with my parents again. Oddly, my dad was the first and only person to notice I had weight issue. I think it was because he was a wrestler in high school. He would see my weight myself every morning and every night and worry about me. He told me a story of one of his wrestling buddies who passed out from only drinking orange juice to cut weight. It was sweet of him. Not very effective, but sweet.

I remember the second time I thought I was fat. I was pretty small at this point. Close to the size I am now, wait I have a picture.

I was seeing this guy. He was nice. He was really nice. See my other boyfriend, he wasn't so nice. We had a bad relationship and I think in my head I could credit some of the things he said about my body to him just being mean. But not this guy. I opened up to him just a little with a qualifier to soften what I was saying. "I feel like I look fat in this shirt". Then I went on to say I love my legs (through the whole last semester I held on to a love of my legs even though I hated the rest of my body). He told me he didn't think I was fat, but that moment of security was fleeting. He then pinched my fat off my leg and told me they could be in better shape. The one thing I still liked about my body destroyed in an instant. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. Why was I proud of something that was disgusting? Outwardly I tried to handle it well, but I remember feeling so small. You can't do that to any part of my legs anymore. There is not a part of my legs you can pinch fat off of anymore. I know because I check. As fucked up as saying I looked pregnant was, this incident messed me up way more than that ever did.

I can't tell you the first time I thought I looked thin- in real life at least. That's because it hasn't happened yet. For ten years now I have struggle with my body image. There have been times where it is worst and I starve myself until I'm under a certain weight, when I will only eat liquids, or stay under a certain calorie count. But that's not me today. That's not where I am anymore. To answer your questions from months ago- I had an eating disorder, I have body issue, and I found something that makes me feel good about myself. It's been a long time since anything has made me feel good about my body. Running does that for me.

If anyone out there is reading this with similar struggles- I hope you find your thing.