TW/CW: Dispelling The Myth: If I Said No, It Never Would Have Happened

I woke up this morning feeling inspired by the tweet below. In particular, the first line grabbed my attention"not everyone who has been sexually assaulted immediately recognizes that is what happened to them"

The only way to normalize people speaking out about sexual assault, even years after they have occurred is to talk about them, so for the first time, basically ever, I'm going to talk about my rape.

Six years ago, I was raped. It has taken me so long to talk about it because, like the tweet infers, it took me five years to realize I was raped. I sent those first five years blaming myself. Blaming myself because I got too drunk, because I fell asleep in his bed, for not saying no. All the reason society tells victims it is their fault for being raped , I blamed myself for it happening. It took me years of rape culture changing for me to realize what happened to me was, in fact, rape.

I was out drinking with a few of my friends and some of their friends. We were at a karaoke bar. For those of you who don't know me well, karaoke is my favorite thing in the world, so I was going to stay there until bar close. After being fed shot after shot all night, only he and I were left in the bar. When we went to leave, he asked me where I was heading. The place I was staying at the time was across town, and his apartment was nearby. Mind you, this wasn't a random stranger. This was an acquaintance. Someone I had met a few times in passing but didn't know very well. I also knew he had a girlfriend, so when he offered to let me crash at his place for the night, I accepted.

As I mentioned, I had been drinking copious amounts all night. Needless to say, at this point, I am fairly out of it. I don't remember if he said I could have the bed to myself and out of guilt I declined or if he offered me the couch, but said I was welcome to sleep in the bed as well and I accepted, but either way, we both ended up in his bed. What I do remember so vividly is waking up (after I was sound asleep) to him naked on top of me, lubing his dick, and getting ready to put it in (sans condom mind you). I froze. I felt weird being in his bed. I felt weird that he was already "ready to go." So, I froze there, not moving, waiting for it to be over. Afterward, I rolled over and went to sleep and left as soon as the sun came up.

I spent years blaming myself for it happening. "I should have said no. If I said no, it never would have happened."In fact, I spent the first year or so after trying to convince myself it was something I wanted to happen. Convincing myself, it was something I also wanted was seemingly easier than dealing with the fact I had been violated.

After it takes you five years to realize you've been raped, who cares anymore. Why even say anything at this point? If it takes you days, weeks, or years to come to terms with your sexual assault, you should feel empowered to say something and speak your truth. So here goes nothing...

Fuck you Dan Burdick. You raped me. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes.