I try to champion a lot of things people, especially women, deal with like emotional and physical abuse and sexual harassment and assaults. The one thing I wish I could champion, that I could be strong enough to overcome myself is body image and expectations.
Side One: The Emotional Brain
I hate the way I look. In particular, I hate my body. I think my arms are flabby, I think my stomach is fat. I think my boobs are too big, and I think my butt is too small. I would change everything about my body if I could. I work out almost every day, but no matter how much I workout; I feel like my body doesn't change. However, the instant I stopped working out, I can see my body getting even worse, so I keep at it.
I used to severely operate on negative calorie intake on the day as I discuss in my body dysmorphia post. I'm healthier than I was then. I certainly don't starve myself, but mentally, I'm not in a much better spot.
Edit: Upon lots of consideration I will add this image. It is from today after I finished working out. I hate this picture. I hate my body. I hate how fat I think my stomach looks in this picture.
Side Two: The Logical Brain
If I remove emotion and my personal perspective from the matter I understand people think I have a nice body. Sadly, in a weird way, being thin has grown to be something I feel like defines me. I feel like I need to stay thin or else I will lose part of my identity. It's kind of fucked-up. I don't think I have a nice body, but I understand other people think I have a nice body, so I don't want my body to change too much from the way it looks now. It's an insane thing.
The Dilemma
For several reasons I alluded to above I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about how I feel about my body. (1) They think I'm just doing it to fish for compliments because how could I hate my body so much (2) In my head, complaining about my body might make other people feel like (a) I think less of how they look (b) make them feel bad about how they look. In actuality, it isn't about other people. It's about how I feel in my body.
In a way, I do hope me talking about my body image issues can help other women struggling with this understand that it's something almost everyone deals with, even the people you wouldn't guess. Obviously, the way the world portrays women by holding them to an unrealistic body standard needs to change. However, until that does, I think the best thing we can do is talk about our struggles. Because in these struggles, you are not alone.
