I don't think you ever get over being in an abusive relationship. It affects how you see the world, how close you get to people, who you can love. I remember my first relationship post abuse. Things would trigger me to feel hurt or scared that I never thought would. A simple hand gesture would leave flinching in fear. Any outburst of anger makes me scared and anxious. It would create a fear that swells up inside me. I hate that feeling. I know I should have talked about this four years ago. Many people at that time and probably many people now will say "well, if she isn't talking about it, it must not have happened." Wrong. Love is complicated. Trying to explain why I didn't say anything before is complicated. To begin to explain let's go back to the beginning.
Looking at it now, the start of our relationship was a game. AJ would be very nice and make me feel good up until a point. That point would be when he decided to take something I had said and made me feel stupid, undeserving and wrong. I distinctly remember always feeling in the wrong. The first time I remember this happening we'd only been talking for a few weeks. I was still in the phase where I wanted to impress him. I was talking to him about the music he liked, and I brought up The Beatles. I knew he liked them and I wanted to talk about something we both liked. The only problem was I spelled it The Beetles. AJ instantly stopped responding to me- for hours. He didn't start talking to me again until I looked at the message, realized I spelled "Beatles" wrong and corrected it. He went on some rant about how dumb it is to mess up the spelling, and I said my phone auto corrected it, but that was a lie. I was too ashamed. I felt stupid. From that moment on, I have never spelled "Beatles" incorrectly.
Another example comes just weeks after that. Things were going well, and I decided to fly out to meet him. On the eve of my flight, I asked him if he was excited I was flying to see him. He said (and these words still ring in my head) "You are not the first girl to ever fly to see me and you won't be the last." I was, rightfully, upset. AJ let me know in no uncertain terms- if that was something that I was going to be upset about we weren't going to work. I did not want us not to work out, so I apologized. It was that same conversation where I told him I didn't want to have sex with him over this weekend. It did not make him happy that was something I would bring up. He thought setting boundaries was not a thing normal people did. But, I really liked him. I wanted things to work. I flew out anyway.
While I was there we almost had an amazing time together. One of the nights we went out with some friends. He started talking about another girl he had recently slept with, and how amazing her body was. Him saying that made me uncomfortable. I felt- insecure about my body, like just another notch in the bedpost, like I was disposable. I said it bothered me he was talking about her. AJ told me it shouldn't bother me, and to move on. When I got back from Las Vegas, it's one of the reasons he cited he had doubts about us. Things blew over, and we started to date.
For the first few months there were many small things like these here or there that he would do to make me feel ashamed — nothing big, nothing important, but certainly always my fault. This was the start of breaking me. (Here is just one of many articles on gaslighting)
It is hard to explain exactly how I felt when we were together. Some of the things AJ called me were: stupid, whore, liar, slut, monster. Some of the things he made me believe: you will never amount to anything, rely on your looks as long as you can because once they are gone, you have nothing going for you, no one will ever love you. The last point I would like to underscore by, he never told me he loved me, and when we broke up he let me know that's because he never did.
AJ was a constantly wearing me down grinding my self-esteem away until there was none left. I deserved to be called those things. I was an awful person. I was lucky to have him because no one would ever love me. He never loved me, but I was lucky he hadn't decided to leave. I would have done anything to salvage that relationship. I thought it was the only chance at someone loving me I ever had.
The worst thing I suffered from this relationship was the emotional abuse. When people think about a significant other being abuse, they always think of the physical abuse, but for me, emotional abuse is way worse. Emotional abuse offers a fundamental understanding of how the next events unfolded. I was drunk. He wasn't. He accused me of cheating. I wasn't. We got into a yelling match. I would say that I usually didn't stand up to him. I guess it was because I was drunk, but this time I didn't care. All sorts of feelings flooded out of me into what could easily be the meanest thing I've ever said. I started yelling at him he was nothing without me, he had nothing without me- his place to live, the food he ate all paid for by me (yes, I paid for everything). I could tell he was angry, but I wasn't going to back down...not this time. I was on the landing of the stairs, and he ran up to me asking me to say it ones more time. He dared me. I did. He then grabbed me by my throat and held me against the wall. It was painful, but I could breathe. Tears were streaming down my face I looked him in the eyes and said: "Who are you?" He dropped me. Told me to leave him alone, but I couldn't. I felt so awful about what I had said. I felt like I needed to apologize. I needed him to forgive me. I begged him for forgiveness; pleaded with him, but he told me he didn't want to see me. But, I would not leave him alone.
Everything that happened next is such a blur. I think my brain has blacked some of it out. The next thing I remember I am on the floor. AJ is sitting on top of me, holding my wrists in his hands, and my lip is split open, bleeding. I instantly sent a picture of my lip to three people. One close friend, Efro- as we both lived in at the time Vegas, and one person I thought would tell me what to do, but before I could start thinking about leaving the threats began. "Tell everyone the truth about what happened to you, or I'll leave you." The truth? What was the truth? The explanation AJ gave to me was I was thrashing about trying to escape him, and I hit myself. The truth I told these people, I blacked out, and I don't know what happened. I was going to stay with AJ, so I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. If anyone knew they might think less of me; they would think less of him. I didn't want either of those things to happen.
It took a little over a month for AJ and me to break up. If I'm honest with you, the only reason we broke up is that he didn't want to be with me. When we broke up, he wouldn't stop threatening me. He warned me never to talk to anyone about him. "Everyone liked him, and no one liked me. The only reason anyone knew who I was, was because of him. If I talked about him, he would destroy me." Not only did he threaten to ruin my life, but he reminded me how much of an unlovable monster I was. "You are just a wannabe gamer who is mediocre at everything they do. Hope you stay attractive forever." Even without talking about it he preemptively tried to bury me. He messaged a few key figures in the Magic community a multi-page letter of my transgressions against him. Hoping if I spoke up, people would defend him (both Chris Mascioli and Drew Levin told me about the letter he has sent them).
This is why I didn't talk. After all, who was I? Even still who am I? Someone no one knows, no one cares about, and the backlash from me talking is a lot more dangerous to me than sitting down and shutting up.
We dated in 2014, and it is now 2018. Four years have gone by, so why now? In the age of #metoo movement, women should speak freely and tell their stories. Women should also be warned against falling victim to the same pied pipers of others before them.
I see AJ has taken to social media, championing women's right. Maybe to him, this is penance for his wrongdoings. I certainly believe people can change, and I know I have. But, I think change starts with admitting guilt and growing. He still plays the victim of our relationship and sees nothing wrong with what he did.
I still struggle with self-worth. I never think I'm good enough. I can't understand why anyone would want to be with me. I rarely feel safe opening up to people. There is a respectful way to handle conflict and to end relationships; threatening someone and insulting their self-worth is not it. I will carry the scars of this relationship my entire life. But, I learned a lot about myself from this relationship — the good and bad parts. I grow past it to be the person I am today — a person I'm proud to be.
Due to the large volume of questions, this post is about my relationship with AJ Sacher.
