Never Ever Be The Same

I don't think you ever get over being in an abusive relationship. It affects how you see the world, how close you get to people, who you can love. I remember my first relationship post abuse. Things would trigger me to feel hurt or scared that I never thought would. A simple hand gesture would leave flinching in fear. Any outburst of anger makes me scared and anxious. It would create a fear that swells up inside me. I hate that feeling. I know I should have talked about this four years ago. Many people at that time and probably many people now will say "well, if she isn't talking about it, it must not have happened." Wrong. Love is complicated. Trying to explain why I didn't say anything before is complicated. To begin to explain let's go back to the beginning.

He Loves Me...Not

Looking at it now, the start of our relationship was a game. AJ would be very nice and make me feel good up until a point. That point would be when he decided to take something I had said and made me feel stupid, undeserving and wrong. I distinctly remember always feeling in the wrong. The first time I remember this happening we'd only been talking for a few weeks. I was still in the phase where I wanted to impress him. I was talking to him about the music he liked, and I brought up The Beatles. I knew he liked them and I wanted to talk about something we both liked. The only problem was I spelled it The Beetles. AJ instantly stopped responding to me- for hours. He didn't start talking to me again until I looked at the message, realized I spelled "Beatles" wrong and corrected it. He went on some rant about how dumb it is to mess up the spelling, and I said my phone auto corrected it, but that was a lie. I was too ashamed. I felt stupid. From that moment on, I have never spelled "Beatles" incorrectly.

Another example comes just weeks after that. Things were going well, and I decided to fly out to meet him. On the eve of my flight, I asked him if he was excited I was flying to see him. He said (and these words still ring in my head) "You are not the first girl to ever fly to see me and you won't be the last." I was, rightfully, upset. AJ let me know in no uncertain terms- if that was something that I was going to be upset about we weren't going to work. I did not want us not to work out, so I apologized. It was that same conversation where I told him I didn't want to have sex with him over this weekend. It did not make him happy that was something I would bring up. He thought setting boundaries was not a thing normal people did. But, I really liked him. I wanted things to work. I flew out anyway.

While I was there we almost had an amazing time together. One of the nights we went out with some friends. He started talking about another girl he had recently slept with, and how amazing her body was. Him saying that made me uncomfortable. I felt- insecure about my body, like just another notch in the bedpost, like I was disposable. I said it bothered me he was talking about her. AJ told me it shouldn't bother me, and to move on. When I got back from Las Vegas, it's one of the reasons he cited he had doubts about us. Things blew over, and we started to date.

For the first few months there were many small things like these here or there that he would do to make me feel ashamed — nothing big, nothing important, but certainly always my fault. This was the start of breaking me. (Here is just one of many articles on gaslighting)

The Monster Was Born

It is hard to explain exactly how I felt when we were together. Some of the things AJ called me were: stupid, whore, liar, slut, monster. Some of the things he made me believe: you will never amount to anything, rely on your looks as long as you can because once they are gone, you have nothing going for you, no one will ever love you. The last point I would like to underscore by, he never told me he loved me, and when we broke up he let me know that's because he never did.

AJ was a constantly wearing me down grinding my self-esteem away until there was none left. I deserved to be called those things. I was an awful person. I was lucky to have him because no one would ever love me. He never loved me, but I was lucky he hadn't decided to leave. I would have done anything to salvage that relationship. I thought it was the only chance at someone loving me I ever had.

The worst thing I suffered from this relationship was the emotional abuse. When people think about a significant other being abuse, they always think of the physical abuse, but for me, emotional abuse is way worse. Emotional abuse offers a fundamental understanding of how the next events unfolded. I was drunk. He wasn't. He accused me of cheating. I wasn't. We got into a yelling match. I would say that I usually didn't stand up to him. I guess it was because I was drunk, but this time I didn't care. All sorts of feelings flooded out of me into what could easily be the meanest thing I've ever said. I started yelling at him he was nothing without me, he had nothing without me- his place to live, the food he ate all paid for by me (yes, I paid for everything). I could tell he was angry, but I wasn't going to back down...not this time. I was on the landing of the stairs, and he ran up to me asking me to say it ones more time. He dared me. I did. He then grabbed me by my throat and held me against the wall. It was painful, but I could breathe. Tears were streaming down my face I looked him in the eyes and said: "Who are you?" He dropped me. Told me to leave him alone, but I couldn't. I felt so awful about what I had said. I felt like I needed to apologize. I needed him to forgive me. I begged him for forgiveness; pleaded with him, but he told me he didn't want to see me. But, I would not leave him alone.

The Murky Bits

Everything that happened next is such a blur. I think my brain has blacked some of it out. The next thing I remember I am on the floor. AJ is sitting on top of me, holding my wrists in his hands, and my lip is split open, bleeding. I instantly sent a picture of my lip to three people. One close friend,  Efro- as we both lived in at the time Vegas, and one person I thought would tell me what to do, but before I could start thinking about leaving the threats began. "Tell everyone the truth about what happened to you, or I'll leave you." The truth? What was the truth? The explanation AJ gave to me was I was thrashing about trying to escape him, and I hit myself. The truth I told these people, I blacked out, and I don't know what happened. I was going to stay with AJ, so I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. If anyone knew they might think less of me; they would think less of him. I didn't want either of those things to happen.

The Ending

It took a little over a month for AJ and me to break up. If I'm honest with you, the only reason we broke up is that he didn't want to be with me. When we broke up, he wouldn't stop threatening me. He warned me never to talk to anyone about him. "Everyone liked him, and no one liked me. The only reason anyone knew who I was, was because of him. If I talked about him, he would destroy me." Not only did he threaten to ruin my life, but he reminded me how much of an unlovable monster I was. "You are just a wannabe gamer who is mediocre at everything they do. Hope you stay attractive forever." Even without talking about it he preemptively tried to bury me. He messaged a few key figures in the Magic community a multi-page letter of my transgressions against him. Hoping if I spoke up, people would defend him (both Chris Mascioli and Drew Levin told me about the letter he has sent them).

This is why I didn't talk. After all, who was I? Even still who am I? Someone no one knows, no one cares about, and the backlash from me talking is a lot more dangerous to me than sitting down and shutting up.

The True Ending

We dated in 2014, and it is now 2018. Four years have gone by, so why now? In the age of #metoo movement, women should speak freely and tell their stories. Women should also be warned against falling victim to the same pied pipers of others before them.

I see AJ has taken to social media, championing women's right. Maybe to him, this is penance for his wrongdoings. I certainly believe people can change, and I know I have. But, I think change starts with admitting guilt and growing. He still plays the victim of our relationship and sees nothing wrong with what he did.

I still struggle with self-worth. I never think I'm good enough. I can't understand why anyone would want to be with me. I rarely feel safe opening up to people. There is a respectful way to handle conflict and to end relationships; threatening someone and insulting their self-worth is not it. I will carry the scars of this relationship my entire life. But, I learned a lot about myself from this relationship — the good and bad parts. I grow past it to be the person I am today — a person I'm proud to be.

Due to the large volume of questions, this post is about my relationship with AJ Sacher.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater

This weekend I played in GP DC. As my team dwindled down the ranks, I couldn't help but notice one team climbing.

If you don't know who Alex Bertoncini is, that's okay. That was once me too. I remember the first time I met Alex. Four years ago (2014), I was at a random SCG in Ohio and wasn't doing well in the tournament. I decided to go out to the bar with three people who seemed to know me, even though I didn't know them. Among them was Alex. I found him to be super nice and personable. We kept in contact for a few months following the tournament. Around this same time, I moved to Las Vegas to be with my then-boyfriend. When he discovered I was talking to Alex, he becomes agitated, told me he was cheater, and that I should stop talking to him. I have never liked people telling me what to do; that fact paired with Alex's charisma made it hard for me to believe him a cheater. Alex gushed charm. He's hard to dislike. If I thought he was a cheater, I would have no longer liked him. I pressed on.

Shortly after, I was talking to another friend of mine who said I didn't have to take anyone's word that Alex was a cheater- I could see for myself. He linked the article he wrote. I saw a critique of this article saying we are taking one person's word over another's. In that article is the infamous "two Explores." Other links no longer exist, but I have dug up the Kira cheat video. After Drew's article, Alex was banned until 2017. After his ban was lifted he immediately cheated (here is a video detailing this). That was his third ban. Now he is back on the scene and from what I have witnessed, cheating again. **Editor note: I could spend all day posting the videos of his prior cheats. You can Google them and get many results. If you have never heard of Alex, I encourage you to do so.**
In the last round of the GP, I happened to be watching a match that was close enough to Alex's match that I could see the entire match. I didn't intend to watch his match, but when I looked over to see how it was going, I could not help but notice how Alex was shuffling his cards. Most of us learn early in Magic, either from an opponent telling us or intuition, not to look at your deck when you're shuffling. I watched closely as Alex would lift his cards and almost fluidly peek and look away from the cards he was bridging. While doing this, he would joke, talk to his teammates, and pause shuffling anytime his opponent would watch. I wanted to be sure before I called, I judge. I observed the behavior 4/6 times. I was sure and had a judge observe. He started shuffling...once- he didn't do it, twice- he didn't do it. I started to get nervous the judge would see, but time three (and the last time before he presented), he glanced at his deck again. I whispered to the judge, "that's the behavior I observed." What happened next is truly unbelievable. His opponent did not cut his deck! Alex played one drop, two drop, three drop. Sure people can curve out, but his three drop happened to be Goblin Chainwhirler, a fairly unbeatable card on turn 3. They go to game three, and I happen to notice a judge watching Alex shuffle. **Note: Some arguments "pro-Alex" I have gotten is how closely judges watch him, but until I called a judge no one was even close to observing his match.**

By this time, a friend had joined me, and I explained to him the behavior I exhibited in game two. He watched and saw the same behavior, and I thought the judge watching could as well. At this point, another judge had passed by me, and I commented again. He must have taken the accusation more seriously because he quickly got the head judge for me to tell my story to. Before leaving, the judge asked a question that I think is a very important point to this whole story. He asked, "Why don't you think his opponents noticed?" Team tournaments are a cheaters paradise. Your opponents are distracted. They are either talking to their teammates or trying to see what is going on in their match. I explained to the head judge when the shuffle cheating happened, his opponent was covering his mouth (and therefore his face and eyes) with his hands, so Alex's team could not see what he was saying. As I said, I only saw the behavior 4/6 and then 1/3 times. When Alex's opponent was paying attention, Alex was mindful of shuffling correctly. The HJ took note and walked away to speak with the other judges. I went back to watching Alex shuffle. Without fail, he looks while shuffling. The judges were still watching. I thought we had him.

After game three, the HJ pulled him aside, and they started discussing. They spoke for about ten minutes, then Alex came back. Nothing happened. If this were anybody else, I could understand the judges giving him the benefit of the doubt, but this is seasoned cheater Alex Bertoncini. Think about how many game rules violations he has used his charisma to sweet talk his way out of. He has been caught cheating three times and banned, but he has cheated many more times.

In closing, I have two messages, one to the judges and one to the players. To the judges I spoke with at GP DC and observed this behavior: please reconsider what decision was made. A cheater that is caught cheating, but not punished is only encouraged to cheat again. Judges who will be at tournaments he will be at in the future: have one person dedicated to watch Alex. That might seem costly and ineffective, but it is not as costly as the blind robbery that is taking place otherwise. Players: if you are paired against Alex and there is not already a judge present, call a judge at the start of the match. Request they stay from start to finish. As a player, it is hard to watch your opponent every second of every round, and if you give Alex even a second, he will cheat you.

In the future, maybe WOTC will consider a lifetime ban for multiple-time offenders, but as of now, this cheater will constantly play among us. We have to be diligent. Share your stories, whether they are big or they are small. Don't brush them off. Don't let the time he fumbled his cards at an FNM slide; it matters. It all matters.