I started writing this blog post-October 28th, 2016. Some parts I have gotten better at. Other parts not so much. Today (11/30/2017) I am editing and expanding this post. I hope the year plus gap doesn't make the most disjointed.
For the past month or so I've been reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. While I find some parts of the book to be common knowledge or not applicable to me, I find other parts to be extremely profound and thought provoking. This is about one of those parts.
Mark spends a long time discussing values. What good values look like, what bad values look like, and the negative affects of having bad values. He uses a good analogy explaining how the lead singer of Megadeth was kicked out of Metallica right before they hit it big, so no matter how famous Megadeth gets Dave Mustaine feels like a failure. (To read the full story as told by Mark). Dave has bad values.
1) reality-based
2) socially constructive
3) immediate and controllable
Bad values are
1) superstitious
2) socially destructive
3) not immediate or controllable.
I don't think anyone has ALL bad values or ALL good values. Most people, like me, have a mix of the two. Figuring out what my "good" values were was easy. I value- honesty, loyalty, **humility and selflessness. These values are fairly normal and not something I think most would disagree with. How about my bad values? Much like your brain's inability to remember a song title you would otherwise know, but can't think of because you happen to be trying to remember it- I was stumped. Even further into the book I was still blind to it. It wasn't until the next day (10/28) when I was walking from the train to work that I realized how I am awful.
I had a pretty fun night last night (10/27). I hung out with friends, played some Magic Pictonary, and even saw Sharknado III (the only Sharknado I've seen). It is not what I had planned to do, but it was a blast! So maybe you can understand my confusion when I was asked, "Are you upset?" I was very taken aback. Why would I be upset? I just had a great night! I inquired. "Because we didn't get to do what you said you wanted to do earlier in the day." I went on to explain how I was not upset and how I thought asking me that question was absurd, but the next day after some reflection- maybe it wasn't.
By far my worst value is my need to be in control (Ironically the book defines bad values in part by things you care about that are beyond your control, so my bad value is basically the mother of all bad values). I need to have things my way or done the way I think they should be done. If something does not go according to plan I freak out, and if you aren't on board with my master plan I will cut out you out of my life. I really wish I were being hyperbolic here, but sadly I don't think I am.
A History
I used to be really good at getting my way or at least offsetting the sting from being told no. You know how people with divorced parents (or parents that didn't communicate well) used to ask their dad for something and when their dad said no ask their mom? Well, my mom and dad are together and communicate, but in high school when I used to have multiple boyfriends- they never did. You don't wanna take me to this movie I wanna see? Fine. I'll ask someone else. You aren't going to buy me this? Someone else well. I spent a vast portion of my teenage life finding someone to tell me, yes, so I wouldn't have to deal with being told no. In fact, it wasn't just boyfriends. I think my need to have my way is why I don't have that many close friends. If you wanted the pleasure of hanging out with me, it better be doing a pre-approve Mary activity (I am pretty fun to be around as long as we are doing what I want). If you want to do something else, I'll find someone else to grace with my presence.
I didn't like that person.
Note: Everything written prior to this point (with the exception of some edits and the definition of values) was written last year
Since writing this post I have both pushed people away and tried to push people away for their behavior is less than my ideal. I certainly am not as bad as I was in high school, but I haven't been very good about it either. It really wasn't until about two months ago that there were any signs of change.
I love my boyfriend, but not just as my boyfriend; I genuinely love him. About three months ago after the honeymoon phase had ended and the infatuation faded problems started arising. One of our biggest problems was me. It started to become clear to me the biggest thing causing a rift in our relationship was me trying to force him to behave how I thought he should. It's not like something like this hasn't happened before; however, my normal response tends to be "You can either get with the program or leave. I don't care" This time I did care. I found myself in the same spot I was on October 28th, 2016- evaluating what my true (good)values are and what I hold onto that isn't really important (bad values). On the other side what I found was losing someone who holds the same good values as you aren't worth needing to have my life go according to my plan, so I'm trying to let go.
I think I'm better. Maybe I'm not (ask him not me). I know there are still times when I get upset that I shouldn't, but growth is a process. And even if this relationship doesn't work out I'm going to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life.
Footnotes:
**These traits were not in the draft I wrote last year, but rather traits I have discovered I value a lot in both myself and other over the past year. Thanks Mark!
